1.11 The Actor

Summary and spoilers

Murray is depressed about how empty and rare the Conchords gigs are, and how he can’t even wrangle some complimentary soup for the band. The Conchords hire Ben, a semi-professional actor, to impersonate a record executive and make a rejection phone call to Murray. Ben (as Stefan Gucci) gets into the role (and probably feels a little sorry for a sobbing Murray) and instead offers Murray a record deal. This leads to an in-person meeting where Murray shows his negotiating skills. The Conchords want no part of this fake deal, which is of course confounding to the clueless Murray. Eventually, Bret gets caught up in the excitement of a two million dollar deal, and the Conchords sign.

Murray spends hundreds of dollars on a Lord of the Rings themed music video and a celebratory rap party; afterward he finds out that the deal was fake. With his finances reduced, Murray moves into his office again, washing his underwear in the sink and drying them in the microwave, a routine that is, to quote Jemaine, "…very humiliating for everyone involved."

Comments

Songs in this episode: ‘Cheer Up, Murray’ and ‘Frodo (Don't Wear the Ring)’.

Those who are in the know about Bret McKenzie’s small role as an elf escort in the second and third Lord of the Rings films will enjoy seeing McKenzie ringing it up again here. Incidentally, McKenzie’s character in the Rings films is known as Figwit, derived from an acronym for "Frodo is great - who is THAT?!?", a phrase coined by fan Iris Hadad. Figwit captured a sizeable internet fan base for his efforts; Peter Jackson has said that he only brought McKenzie back for the third film because of the fan interest from the second film.

John Turturro does a surprise cameo as the credits roll (playing a tough cop alongside Ben as ‘the Dry Cleaner’ in Martin Scorcese’s ‘Dry Cleaner’).

Flight of the Conchords Quotes

"It doesn’t matter how good your music is if no one’s there to hear it."
- Murray

"Some people don’t return your calls
They don’t return your calls
People will call you ‘ginger balls’
They’ll call you ‘ginger balls’
Those people don’t know what they see
They just see ginger balls
ginger balls"
- Bret and Jemaine (from ‘Cheer Up, Murray’)

"Cheer up, Murray
So nothing goes your way
It’s the same every day
Well, tomorrow is another day"
- Bret and Jemaine (from ‘Cheer Up, Murray’)

Jemaine: Well, what about for you? Is this a good deal for you?
Stefan: Well, quite frankly, this is a terrible deal for me.
Jemaine: Do we want to do deals with people that do such terrible deals for themselves?
Murray: I think so.
Bret: Why not?
Murray: Yep.

Murray: I can’t understand a word you’re saying. Articulate!
Mel: It’s elvish. That’s elvish.
Murray: Are you chewing something?
Mel: It’s my native tongue.
Murray: [peers into Mel’s mouth] Is it?
Mel: Yep.
Murray: Alright.

1.10 New Fans

Summary and spoilers

Murray is flush with good ideas for the Conchords to look cool, including the suggestion that they should dangle a stalk of hay out of the side of their mouth. This doesn’t help with their next gig: Murray has booked them into a ‘World Music Jam’, believing that because the Conchords are from New Zealand, they qualify. The gig is cut very short by the emcee, despite Mel’s obvious enjoyment. More surprising are two other women who are taken with the band. Soon, Bret and Jemaine are dating them. They visit Dave to borrow some of his ‘cool’ clothes (like a t-shirt with a mouse doing it with another mouse trapped in a mousetrap). Dave borrows Indian clothes from two older people that he insists on calling his ‘roommates’, although everyone knows they are his parents.

Murray shows the guys the band website, where, unknown to the boys, webcams have been beaming images of their apartment (including their bedroom, where Jemaine was engaging in a little one on one love) over the internet.

A Murray-sponsored fan contest is won by Mel, of course; she has earned the right to cook dinner for the band. She does this in her home, tucking her husband Doug away to hide in a nondescript corner – until he is accidentally discovered by Bret. But her dream night with the band is severely compromised when Bret and Jemaine also bring along their new groupie girlfriends. Mel still fulfills her role and cooks up a storm, but she’s seething with jealousy throughout the night. Mel is particularly concerned that the new girls care nothing about the band’s music and are only interested in sex. She cautions Bret to make sure that the girls respect his boundaries, but obviously she has no such boundaries herself, as she relates this advice while poking her head around the toilet door while Bret is trying to pee.

Bret and Jemaine leave early with the girls. At Rain’s place, they agree to do acid. After a freaky trip, Summer offers Bret, and then Jemaine, a threesome. For a long time, the boys are confused about exactly who is in the threesome. When they find out that they both are in it with Summer (Rain has gone home), they are appalled and try to get out of it by climbing out the bathroom window, but the window leads back to the lounge room and Summer, and that man-lady-man threesome.

Comments

It’s great that Mel gets a chance to shine in this episode with a few more lines.

There’s something wonderfully amusing about Bret’s proud stance as a staunch non-fan of his own band.

Songs in this episode: the funky ‘Ladies of the World’ and the acid-induced ‘The Prince of Parties’.

Flight of the Conchords Quotes

Murray: You can’t be a fan of the band!
Jemaine: Why?
Murray: It’s not a good look.
Jemaine: But I’m a fan.
Murray: Yeah, but people look at the fan list and they say, "Ooh, hang on, that guy’s in the band, isn’t he? He likes himself." It’s not a good look. You don’t see Bret on the fan list.
Bret: Yeah, that’s ‘cause I’m not a fan of the band. I’m more a fan of popular bands, like the Bee Gees…Pearl Jam…

"Republic of Dominican
Amphibian
Presbyterian"
- Jemaine (reciting some categories for the ‘Ladies of the World’)

"All you sexy hermaphrodite lady-man-ladies
Your sexy lady bits
And your sexy man bits too
Even you must be into you, ooh, ooh"
- Jemaine (from ‘Ladies of the World’)

"I don’t care if you’re ugly or you’re skanky or you’re small
I just want to do a little something special for you all"
- Jemaine (from ‘Ladies of the World’)

Jemaine: [about Dave’s roommates] They’ve got photos of themselves with you as a kid.
Dave: [whispered] I know. It’s creepy. I think they make ‘em on the computer.

Mel: What was your name again?
Rain: It’s Rain.
Mel: Oh…that’s nice…kind of like bad weather.

1.09 What Goes On Tour?

Summary and spoilers

Murray has big news – he’s gotten the Conchords a gig at Central Park. He’s also booked the boys into a warm-up tour using what he calls the ‘Emergency Fund’, but what others would call his personal checking account. Murray has recently gotten back together with ex-wife Shelley, but after she finds money missing from the bank account and begins to suspect that Murray is once again involved with those two useless novelty musicians, phone calls from Shelley to Murray escalate in anger and decline in length.

For their part, the boys are a little worried that the only other tour Murray has organized was for a rugby team. As a timesaver, Murray uses the same Rugby itinerary with cross outs and red pen for the Conchords, leading to some confusion about why there is no tour bus this time (they are instead going in Murray’s Honda Accord) and how many squat thrusts they have to do every morning.

The first gig is at a semi-deserted LaGuardia Airport Hotel lounge. Despite the lack of audience size, Murray still hands out a small wad of cash ‘per diem’. Although the cash is supposed to buy food for the entire week, the boys immediately spend it all on matching leather jackets. Murray is initially appalled, so much so that he doesn’t even want to see the other item the boys have purchased. Later, Murray changes his mind, deciding that buying the jackets is a classic ‘rock excess’ move. Murray tries to blames Jemaine (the supposed wild one). Bret then accidentally trashes various hotel rooms, televisions, and sound equipment. The Conchords destructive image precedes them, causing gigs to be cancelled. Things get worse when a girls water polo team cons them by charging hundreds of dollars of drinks to their hotel room. Finally, Bret accidentally drives Murray’s car into a hotel pool. Murray angrily quits and stalks off down the road. All is soon forgiven when the boys catch up to him (having grabbed a ride with Mel) and Murray finally looks inside the brown bag at that other item the boys bought with their per diem – a matching leather jacket for Murray. Disappointment sets in for the Conchords, however, when they discover that the big Central Park gig is not the famous Central Park in New York, but a nondescript ‘central park’ in Newark, New Jersey.

Comments

This is a cute, sweet episode, but it certainly isn’t as funny as some of the better episodes from earlier this season.

There’s only one song in this episode (‘Mermaid’); its loads of fun, but the lyrics are kind of hard to understand at times (due to the slimy scaly lounge singer style).

Flight of the Conchords Quotes

Jemaine: ‘Per diem’ means ‘for the day’, so, see -
Murray: Well, I don’t know Latin.
Jemaine: Well, you should have said, ‘per week-em’ would be the correct term.

Water polo girl: [to Bret] I love your accent.
Jemaine: I have the same.

Bret: So what is water polo?
Jemaine: It’s like polo in the water.
Bret: On seahorses?

"Mermaid murmur into my ear
The answers to questions I want you to hear
Like does it relax you to hear the sound of the land?"
- from ‘Mermaid’

"Would it be weird for you if I touched your fishy half – ‘cause it would be for me"
- Jemaine (from ‘Mermaid’)

Bret: Are you an optical illusion caused by a woman sitting on a rock, holding half a fish?
Jemaine: - half a sexy fish
- from ‘Mermaid’

Bret: Murray, I – I didn’t actually mean to put your car into the swimming pool.
Jemaine: I didn’t mean to buy those nuts.

1.08 Girlfriends

Summary and spoilers

Somehow the boys manage a double-date with two women who work in a croissant shop. Each woman in turn takes a liking to Bret (especially Lisa, who ends up going home with him). Jemaine is unable to generate any charisma, start a conversation, or even remember the two women’s names from one moment to another.

Murray strongly advises the boys that bands should not have girlfriends. Murray has good news, too: his car broke down in the ghetto, leading to a meeting with a man who is a relative of high-powered music producer Quincy Jones. Murray has assumed this only because the guy’s surname is also Jones. Through Murray’s Jones, he buys a stereo system and agrees to have 2500 CDs burned of Bret and Jemaine’s single. Unfortunately, Murray is only able to sell one of the CDs (to Mel, of course). Not only that, most of the boxes are filled not with CDs but with sawdust. Murray manages to recoup some of his investment when Dave agrees to buy the CDs. They are rewritable, and Dave plans to erase them and sell them as blanks. Now if only Murray can find someone who will buy his sawdust, he will have salvaged the entire deal.

Bret’s seeming good luck with the ladies backfires when he reveals that he is not interested in a one night stand. Rather, he wants lovemaking to be romantic and to be achieved after three years of dating. Lisa feels differently and takes the lead, acting like a stereotypical aggressive man. Lisa convinces Bret to sleep with her by saying she is leaving the next day to serve in Iraq as a sniper. After they sleep together, Bret feels violated and depressed. Even Jemaine’s use of the talking stove doesn’t fully cheer him up. Even worse, Lisa’s story about going to war was just a lie she used to get a one night stand.

Comments

This episode, a pure switch of the sexes with stereotypes switched as well, is not quite as funny as some of the better episodes. But the songs are good (as usual).

Songs in this episode:

"Foux du Fafa" - (Faux French, with everyone dressed in pastel colors; I got even more enjoyment out of this due to the use of my old home - Park Slope, Brooklyn - posing as Paris)

"A Kiss Is Not a Contract" - (Not every man wants to go all the way)

Flight of the Conchords Quotes

Jemaine: Oh, look: Bret’s feeling Felicia’s breast.
Felicia: Uh, I’m Felicia. That’s –
Jemaine: Yes -
Felicia: Lisa.
Jemaine: - feeling Lisa’s breast then, probably. That must be nice for her.
Felicia: Yeah.
Jemaine: Looks like she’s responding to that quite – positively.

Murray: And Quincy Jones, he’s the music producer, isn’t he? What’s some of the albums that he’s produced, Bret?
Bret: Michael Jackson’s ‘Off The Wall’?
Murray: Yeah, whoa! I’ll say he is! He’s crazy! Off the planet! Isn’t he gonna freeze himself?

"Just because you’ve been exploring my mouth
Doesn’t mean you get to take an expedition further south"
- Bret (from ‘A Kiss Is Not A Contract’)

You can take me out to dinner, that might be quite nice
You can buy me a burrito and some beans and rice
But that won’t get you into pants paradise
- Jemaine (from ‘A Kiss Is Not A Contract’)

"I mean, don’t you know that if, if a girl gets aroused and doesn’t climax, that she could really damage herself? Bret, I might not be able to have a baby."
- Lisa

Girl on street: [to Bret] Are you Bret? I’m a friend of Lisa’s? I heard you like to have a good time?
Jemaine: I’m Bret.

1.07 Drive By

Summary and spoilers

Bret and Jemaine are refused service by a fruit vendor who hates New Zealanders. The boys try to tell Murray about this in a band meeting, but Murray is distracted by his new-found love for Jessica, the tall blonde tech support person. Murray fabricates numerous support issue excuses to lure Jessica back to his office, but he’s too shy to make a move on her. Murray even writes a love song for her; and although it has only one note and one word (‘Hi’), Jemaine says it is better than he expected.

Dave explains that people in America are extremely prejudiced – especially against English people like Bret and Jemaine. The boys find the anti-Kiwi attitude pervades the city and their lives; they are excluded from clubs; the hot dog vendor serves them a bun with mustard and ketchup but no hot dog; they are forced to sit in the back of the bus. They try again to buy an apple from the angry vendor, but they are turned away again. Soon, the vendor is outside their apartment, yelling insults. The boys retaliate by jumping on their bicycles and, using a technique patiently taught by Dave, flip him the bird. All is resolved when the vendor realizes that he has made a mistake. It is Australians whom he really hates; he has nothing against New Zealanders at all. Friends again, Bret, Jemaine and the vendor join together outside the Australian Embassy, flipping the bird at the uniformed guard.

Jessica the tech support person has finished her work installing the new computers and has left the building for good, well before Murray had a chance to get to know her better. Saddened, he sings a painful song of lost love, missed chances, and dead parrots.

Comments

Murray’s mum sends him a VHS tape of New Zealand TV shows like What Have You Done to My Hat and Albi the Racist Dragon. Bret gets a box – just a cardboard box – but it is his favorite box. Sadly, Jemaine’s mum sends nothing.

As a lover of music parody, I was almost orgasmic while watching and listening to Murray’s heart-wrenching ‘Leggy Blonde’. There’s a clever use of the copy machine and stop-motion animation – and Rhys Darby’s singing is sincere.

Songs in this episode:

"Albi the Racist Dragon" (from the New Zealand’s kid’s show that makes the boys cry)

"Mutha'uckas" (sung on bicycles and at an ATM)

"Leggy Blonde" (Murray’s ode to the Tech Support Woman)

Flight of the Conchords Quotes

Jemaine: Are you crying over the kid’s show?
Bret: Yeah, so? Are you crying?
Jemaine: Yeah, so what?

Dave: You’re pretty much the most disliked race in this whole country.
Jemaine: What – what about black people?
Dave: They don’t like you either.

Vendor: I’m gonna count to ten.
(silence)
Jemaine: Are you counting in your head?
Vendor: Yeah.
Jemaine: What are you up to?
Vendor: Seven.
Jemaine: Ooh.
(Bret and Jemaine pedal away quickly)

"I mean, I’m not – you know – embarrassed to admit this, but I can’t really put my emotions into words, so I’ve decided to use lyrics."
- Murray

Murray: Alright, I’ve got – this is what I’ve got so far. Umm…here we are: ‘Hi’.
Jemaine: I like it.
Murray: Yeah?
Bret: Hi?
Murray: Yep.
Bret: Is that it?
Murray: Yeah.
Bret: No more words?
Murray: Nope.
Jemaine: It’s better than I expected.
Murray: Really?
Jemaine: Hmm.
Murray: What do you think?
Bret: Thought about adding some more words?
Murray: I don’t know; I don’t want to make it too convoluted.
Bret: Probably want more than one word.

"It doesn’t matter what country someone’s from, or what they look like, or the color of their skin. It doesn’t matter what they smell like, or that they spell words slightly differently, some would say more correctly."
- Jemaine

Vendor: Too bad New Zealanders are a bunch of cocky a-holes descended from criminals and retarded monkeys.
Jemaine: You’re thinking of Australians.
Bret: Yeah, that’s Australians.
Vendor: No, no, New Zealanders – throw another shrimp on the Barbie, ride around on your kangaroos all day.
Bret and Jemaine: No, no, that’s Australians.
Jemaine: You’re thinking of Australians; that’s not us.
Vendor: I’ve – totally confused you with Australians – I feel terrible – just -
Jemaine: Oh, no, but –
Vendor: - accents are kinda similar -
Jemaine: Accents are completely different. They’re like, ‘Where’s the car?’ And we’re like, ‘Where’s the car?’ [sounds exactly the same]

"Every day I look across the office floor
There you were, you hair down to your legs
And your legs down to the floor
Leggy Blonde, goodbye, goodbye
Now that you are gone I’ll never see you here for tech repair
Wish you knew how much I loved your legs
And your hair"
- Murray (from ‘Leggy Blonde’)

1.06 Bowie

Summary and spoilers

When Bret sees how small he looks in the new band photos, he develops some body image issues – which unfortunately sparks a rumor that he is bulimic. Depressed by his body, his confidence is at a new low.

Jemaine tries to alleviate Bret’s confidence issues by writing a song for him, and by asking Mel to direct her compliments away from him and toward Bret. Unfortunately, when Jemaine hears Mel obsess about Bret, he is thrown into a confidence crisis of his own.

Throughout the episode, Bret is visited in his dreams by David Bowie (played by Jemaine). Bowie gives Bret a couple of suggestions to try to help, but these backfire. Advice to ‘wear an eye patch’ causes depth perception issues. Bret’s interprets ‘do something outrageous’ as a chance to reveal his newly tattooed genitals in front of a prospective new client – a greeting card company that wants to use a Conchords jingle in one of their new cards. Murray’s confidence is shot by his inability to turn the disastrous meeting into something positive, perhaps by acting as if Bret’s flash was a standard New Zealand greeting.

In Bret’s final dream, even Bowie has now lost his confidence in giving advice.

But there is an upside; the greeting card executive decided to publish the Conchord’s card, and they will receive one cent per card. Unfortunately, because the card has an unpopular design, only 50 cards will be published.

Comments

The theme of ‘loss of confidence’ is worked well into the plot, making this an above average Conchords episode. Jemaine’s first song, ‘Bret, You Got It Going On’, meant to cheer Bret up, is Pythonesque in the way it of course is really building up Jemaine’s own ego. The boys also have loads of fun imitating Bowie in the second song, ‘Bowie’.

Flight of the Conchords Quotes

Jemaine: Well, we’re always at the band meetings; we’re the band.
Murray: Yeah, but there’s been a couple of times where you haven’t been here, alright, and I’ve put you down as ‘absent’, and I’ve just carried on with the meeting.
Jemaine: What, a band meeting, we haven’t been here?
Murray: Yeah, twice.
Jemaine: When?
Murray: Well, it doesn’t matter when; it didn’t go very well.

"Bret, you look quite small; it looks sort of like trick photography. It’s like Lord of the Rings. Jemaine, you look like an ogre that works in the library. Yeah, I think it’s your fault, Bret; you’re just too small."
- Murray

Jemaine: Are you bulimic or something?
Bret: No. I just feel like…you know, all these novelty musicians are a lot bigger than me.

Jemaine: You know how you tend to prefer me out of me and Bret.
Mel: No.
Jemaine: Yeah, when you see us you, you just flirt a little bit more with me…tiny - Sorry Doug.
Doug: That’s alright.
Jemaine: Happy anniversary, by the way.
Doug: Thanks.

Jemaine: I’d compliment him myself, but I think it might be gay.
Mel: Oh, no – oh, that’s not gay at all.
Jemaine: Isn’t it?
Mel: Oh, no! To tell a friend he looks good? No that’s not gay.
Jemaine: Well, maybe I will.
Mel: I mean, if you two were to make love – that would be gay.
Jemaine: Yeah, that would be – that would be gay.
Mel: [dreamily] Two men – touching each other – physically, and emotionally…erotically caressing each other -
Jemaine: That sounds more -
Mel: - on the hood of a car -
Jemaine: Hey, thanks for your help, anyway.
Mel: - in the back of a movie theater –

"Sure you’re weedy, and kinda shy
But some girly out there must be needy for a weedy shy guy

Why can’t a heterosexual guy tell a heterosexual guy
That he thinks his booty’s fly

No doubt about it, we’d be goin’ crazy
If one of us was lucky enough to be born a lady"
- Jemaine [from ‘Bret, You Got It Going On’]

Mel: You have a refined bone structure, whereas Jemaine’s facial feature are too deep-set to be classically handsome.
Bret: Thank you.
Jemaine: Aw.

Murray: David, when will this meeting actually begin?
David: Well, it’s begun.
Murray: They didn’t do a roll call.

Jemaine: Does the space cold make you nipples go pointy, Bowie?
Bret: Did you use your pointy nipples as telescopic antenna to transmit data back to earth?
- from ‘Bowie’

1.05 Sally Returns

Summary and spoilers

Jemaine is still making a pest of himself by hanging around the apartment with Bret and Coco. When Jemaine finally does go out, he runs into Sally at the local laundromat. Sally seems slightly interested in Jemaine, but only if he moves out from sharing with Bret and gets his own apartment. This Jemaine does immediately, although all he can afford is a tiny windowless converted cleaning cupboard, albeit in a posh doorman building on Park Avenue.

When Bret discovers that Jemaine is dating Sally, he turns the tables by invading their dinner date, almost forgetting that he is there with Coco. Jemaine’s housewarming party unfortunately coincides with Sally’s birthday party. The boys compete for Sally’s affections by making elaborate gifts. Jemaine spends five hours making a pop-up card, and then somehow manages to also create a lovely glass butterfly, which he unfortunately breaks when he accidentally sits on it in the subway. Bret writes a song for Sally, and then inscribes all seven verses on a tiny pebble. When Bret is a no-show at Jemaine’s housewarming party, Jemaine abruptly ends it, and tracks down Bret at Sally’s party. Both guys are heartbroken to discover that Sally is also announcing her engagement to an Australian.

On the way home, Jemaine passes along to Bret a message from Coco that he is being dumped.

Things are not faring so well on the band front either. Murray has found no gigs, and he’s also spent 150 dollars of the band’s money to buy three stars, as a supposed real estate investment. Sadly, by the end of the episode, one of the stars is no more: Planet Jemaine goes supernova.

Flight of the Conchords Quotes

Bret: Yeah, but, I can’t be ticking all night. I’m not even ticklish.
Jemaine: Aren’t you?
Bret: No, I’m faking it.
Jemaine: Really?
Bret: Yeah, she’d be faking it as well I think.
Jemaine: Oh, that’s not fair. I’m really ticklish.

Jemaine: You can’t tame the J-dog. The J-dog’s just -
Sally; What’s the J-dog?
Jemaine: Uh, well, that’s me. I’m the J-dog.
Sally: Where’s that from?
Jemaine: Well, it’s street language. You know, you just take the first letter of your name and you put dog on the end of it and all the other dogs sort of respect you.
Sally: Okay. I thought it was from a kid’s book or something.

"Next thing you know we’re in the bathroom brushing our teeth
That’s all part of it, that’s foreplay
Foreplay is very important – in love-making
Then you go sort out the recycling
Which isn’t part of the foreplay
But it’s still very important"
 - Jemaine, from Business Time

"Next thing you know I’m wearing absolutely nothing
Except for my socks
And you know when I’m down to just my socks
What time it is
It’s Business Time
It’s Business
It’s Business Time
You know when I’m down to my socks
It’s time for business
That’s why they call ‘em Business Socks"
- Jemaine, from Business Time

Bret: Was it something from a while ago?
Jemaine: No, it’s just -
Bret: When we were at school, and you said you got a hickey from Judy Bailey. I told everyone it was a vacuum cleaner.
Jemaine: No.
Bret: Is that it?
Jemaine: No, it’s not that.
Bret: But you did.
Jemaine: No I didn’t.
Bret: Yes you did.
Jemaine: No I didn’t.
Bret: Well, it was a perfectly round hickey.
Jemaine: Well, she had a perfectly round mouth, anyway –

Murray: Anyway, I thought you said Sally was shallow.
Bret: Oh, she’s not shallow.
Jemaine: She is shallow. But she’s really hot.

Murray: There’s something I want to talk to you about actually, Jemaine. It’s…not good news. Planet Jemaine supernovaed. Yeah, there’s nothing left of it apparently – just a huge gaseous cloud and the beginnings of a black hole.
Jemaine: When did this happen?
Murray: About four million years ago.

Jemaine: I made this for your birthday. [shows broken glass butterfly]
Sally: Aw.
Jemaine: It’s a butterfly. I – I sat on it in the subway.
Sally: Oh, you…shouldn’t have.

"He is so strong. Pick up Bret. Just. just lift him up, he’s little, he’s like a pixie."
- Sally (to fiancé Mark)

Jemaine: Only thing stopping you from being with me is that you don’t want to be with me
Bret: It’s the same with me except with me
- from Song for Sally

"I was wondering if you’d think about moving back in together, ‘cause I’m having trouble paying rent. I spent all my money on art supplies."
- Bret (to Jemaine)

Bret: Well, I mean – I mean, what else can I do, I mean – I’m – I’m sorry.
Jemaine: It’s too late. It’s over. You bastard.
Bret: What, did she call me a bastard?
Jemaine: Uh, no, sorry, I added that bit. Got carried away.
Bret: I might just give her a call about it and see what she says.
Jemaine: [slaps Bret]
Bret: What was that?
Jemaine: Oh, she told me to do that. I was supposed to start with that, actually. I’m sorry, I forgot.

1.04 Yoko

Summary and spoilers

Bret’s dates with Coco are somewhat uncomfortable, since Jemaine insists on tagging along (anything to avoid Murray’s detailed tour of band shells and pagodas). Despite numerous hints, Jemaine continues to go; he also has built up the belief that Coco will break up the band much like that other woman with a name that rhymes with Coco (supposedly) broke up a band that rhymes with ‘wheedles’. Eventually Bret is driven to once again quit the band; he returns after Jemaine accepts that Bret cannot choose between the band and Coco (although Coco is happy enough for him to do so).

Comments

The central concept (Jemaine tagging along on dates) just seems a little too silly even for this show, although the scene when Jemaine admits to making a move on Coco after Bret left the room makes up for that.

I liked the attention to detail (even mentioning Robert Moses) in Murray’s pagoda tour, and the obscure Queens, New York locations.

Flight of the Conchords Quotes

"Okay, guys, time for the Interesting Building Tour. This week, it’s Band Rotundas."
- Murray

"No, that’s fine. I’ll go on my own. Enjoy your date, Bret, and your pretend date, Jemaine, alright?"
- Murray

Bret:
Then on our next date
You could bring your roommate
I don’t know if Stu is keen to
But if you want we could double-team you
Jemaine:
How ‘bout you, and two dudes
Him, you, and Stu in the nude
Being lewd with two dudes with food
Well, that’s if Stu’s into it too
- from "If You’re Into It"

Bret: Coco said that the other night when I went to the bathroom, that she felt like you… like made a move on her.
Jemaine: Yep, yep, guilty, yeah, I did, but you weren’t doing anything, so I thought, ‘hey’ -
Bret: Yeah, but that’s ‘cause you were there!

"Look at that! Classic Robert Moses design. See the band shell, Jemaine? Where’s your fact sheet? Should be checking this out!"
- Murray

Jemaine: Oh, we’re very busy at the moment, actually.
Coco: Oh, I just – I just popped in to bring you some lunch.
Bret: Oh, great.
Jemaine: Oh, favoritism.
Coco: Here’s yours, Jemaine.
Jemaine: [sincerely] Thank you.

Jemaine: No, it wasn’t a real cough; I said, ‘Yoko’.
Bret: Yeah, I thought so.
Coco: Oh, I should go.
Bret: Why did you say that, ‘cause she’s nothing like Yoko.
Jemaine: Ono, she isn’t.
Murray: Jemaine, you’re putting ‘oh no’ together to sound like ‘Ono’.
Jemaine: Ono I didn’t.
Murray: You did it again.
Jemaine: Ono, did I?

"Another way that love is similar to tape
That I’ve noticed
Is sometimes it’s hard to see the end"
- Bret (from "Pencils in the Wind")

Jemaine: Murray and I miss you, and we want you to rejoin the band again.
Bret: Really?
Jemaine: Yeah, on one condition: that you [makes cutting motion to throat, then points at Coco]
Bret: I’m not gonna kill her, man.
Jemaine: No, just leave – just leave her.

Bret: You know, Jemaine, I’ve been thinking about love, and I guess it’s the very strongest adhesive.
Jemaine: Oh, sorry, Bret, were you talking to me? I was humming. What did you say?
Bret: Oh…doesn’t matter.

1.03 Mugged

Summary and spoilers

New York City can be a dangerous place to live, but Jemaine and Bret have the experience of Murray to guide them. Murray outfits them with New York tourist t-shirts, flouro belts, maps of New York (which he encourages them to keep open at all times) and instructs them to keep to back alleys to stay safe. Murray has noticed that despite his best efforts, many of the New Zealanders that he outfits seem to get mugged, but he has made no correlation between this statistic and his approach. Sure enough, Bret and Jemaine are mugged by two tough guys. The muggers take Jemaine’s prized camera-phone (a gift/invention of Bret, who created it by attaching Jemaine’s camera to Jemaine’s phone). The boys flee on foot with the muggers in pursuit. When Jemaine gets stuck on a fence, Bret flees in fear. Jemaine ends up in jail for two days with one of the muggers. They bond, mostly because they both feel similarly abandoned (the mugger’s friend also ran away from him). It takes a while for the trust between Jemaine and Bret to be restored; the catalyst is Bret retrieving that camera-phone (though in the process, he discovers that perhaps Jemaine doesn’t love it quite as much as was originally believed).

Comments

The two hilarious songs in this episode are:  ‘Rhymenocerous vs. Hiphopapotamus’ (Bret’s and Jemaine’s rapping names), a folk-rap meld that dates back to original Conchords material from 2004 or earlier. The second song is even funnier: ‘Think About It’, a Smokey Robinson-type soulful ballad about the mean streets of a city.

The simple comedy twists used in the show constantly catch me and send me laughing. For example, the show opens with Bret speaking to someone on the phone, while Jemaine listens in the background and constantly interjects little additions to the conversation or asks questions, then asks for the reaction of the caller. Finally, Bret finishes the call and hangs up. Jemaine says, "Who was that?" So all this time he has been almost passionately interjecting, and he didn’t even know who he was talking to!

Dave (Arj Barker) returns and takes part in a funny Who’s On First segment that uses the New Zealand pronunciation of ‘dead’ as its focus.

Flight of the Conchords Quotes

Murray: Okay guys, band meeting. Jemaine?
Jemaine: Yes.
Murray: Yes?
Jemaine: Yes.
Murray: Bret.
Bret: Uh, Murray, I was wondering if you could call me by my rapping name.
Murray: Your rapping name.
Bret: Rhyme-nocerous?
Murray: Rhinocerous.
Bret: The Rhyme-nocerous?
Murray: [looks at band sheet] No, that, well that not going to fit in here. I’ve got ‘Bret’. Can’t you just have ‘Bret’ as your rapping name?
Bret: No, it’s not a rapping name.
Murray: It’s a good rapping name. ‘Hello, everybody, I am Bret’.
Bret: No.
Murray: Rhymes with ‘wet’.
Bret: No. Rhyme-nocerous.
Murray: Look, if you’re gonna have some sort of ‘rap name’, just be careful you don’t do a drive-by.
Bret: I won’t.
Murray: You’d better not. You know what I mean by that? What about you, Jemaine; have you got a rapping name?
Jemaine: Yeah. Hiphopapotamus. But you can just call me Jemaine if you want.

Jemaine: We’ve never been ridiculed.
Bret: Nah.
Murray: You haven’t?
Bret: Nah.
Murray: Well, that’s a surprise. I get ridiculed all the time.
Bret: Really?
Murray: Yeah. ‘Whoa, hey – Ginger Balls!’ You know.
Jemaine: That was Bret. He called you that.

"My rhymes are so potent
That in this small segment
I made all of the ladies in the area pregnant"
- Jemaine the Hiphopopotamus

[for this excerpt, the New Zealand pronunciation of dead, which sounds like ‘did’ to the American ear, is the issue]
Murray: You just don’t know; you hear a lot of terrible things happening. He may be dead.
Dave: He maybe did what?
Murray: He may be dead.
Dave: Yeah, I know, but what did he maybe do?
Murray: He may be dead.
Dave: Maybe he did, maybe he didn’t. What did he maybe do?
Bret: He may be dead.
Dave: Are you guys fuckin’ with me?
Bret: What?
Murray: Not alive, you know. Dead.
Dave: Oh! Oh!

Dave: [reminiscing about the missing Jemaine] Hey guys, remember the time he got his hand caught in that jar? What a dick! I mean, who gets their hand caught in a jar? Big fuckin’ asshole he was.
Bret: That was actually me.
Murray: That was Bret.
Dave: Are you sure, ‘cause I thought -
Murray: It was Bret, David. [to Bret] Jemaine was the one who helped you out. And he helped you when you got your head stuck in the chair. Remember?
Bret: Yeah.
Murray: He was there for hours. He was just a helpful guy, you know. Loyal…I just hope he’s not dead.

Jemaine: Yeah, one time we were supposed to go to the movies, and – March of the Penguins -
Hood #1: Oh, I love them.
Jemaine: And, he, I had bought the tickets, and he didn’t turn up, he texted me, said ‘I’m not coming’.
[pause]
Hood #1: Well, that’s…that’s not really the same thing, is it? I mean…I shot a guy…you know?
Jemaine: Yours was worse.

Jemaine: You abandoned me. You left me to die.
Bret: Well, I wouldn’t have done it if I had known you were gonna hassle me about it.

Jemaine: If I can’t trust him on the streets, I can’t trust him on the stage. I can’t do another gig with him without going against everything I stand for.
Murray: Well, what if you actually had another gig?
Jemaine: Well, then I would.

"I didn’t really love that camera-phone as much as you thought I loved it. In fact, I kind of think you ruined my phone when you made me that camera-phone…and my camera."
- Jemaine

"There’s people on the street, gettin’ diseases from monkeys
Yeah, that’s what I said, they’re gettin’ diseases from monkeys
Now there’s junkies with monkey disease
Who’s touching these monkeys, please
Leave these poor sick monkeys alone
They got problems enough as it is"
- Jemaine (from ‘Think About It’)

"What man, which man, who’s the man,
When’s a man a man,
What makes a man a man
Am I a man?
Yes
Technically I am"
- Jemaine (from ‘Think About It’)

Bret: Saw a man lying on the street half-dead, with knives and forks stickin’ out of his leg and he said, ‘Ow, wow, wow wow wow wow wow wow wow, can somebody get the knife and fork out of my leg please?’
Jemaine: Can somebody please, remove these, cutleries, from my knees?
- (from ‘Think About It’)

1.02 Bret Gives Up the Dream

Summary and spoilers

A lack of gigs forces Bret to take a job holding various signs on various New York Streets. When Murray finally finds a gig for the guys, Bret is late because of his sign-holding job, and Jemaine performs alone, accompanied by a tape of Bret. Murray decides the tape is better and less hassle, and fires Bret.

Bret concentrates on making it big as a sign-holder, but when his hot co-worker Coco mentions that she likes bands better than signs, he rejoins.

Flight of the Conchords Quotes

"Counting coins on the counter of the 7-11
From a quarter past six to a quarter to seven
The manager, Bevan, starts to abuse me
‘Hey man, I just want some muesli’"
- Jemaine (lyrics from Inner City Pressure)

"You don’t measure up to the expectation
When you’re unemployed, there’s no vacation
No one cares, no one sympathizes
You just stay home and play synthesizers"
- Bret (lyrics from Inner City Pressure)

Jemaine: Are you busy?
Murray: No, I was just reading about the old - toothbrush fence. Fifty brushes now. Pretty impressive, huh. You know -
Jemaine: Murray, we need some money.
Murray: Oh, okay. How much? Got about [takes out metal box] four dollars in here.
Jemaine: Four dollars? I thought we had ten dollars.
Murray: This box cost six.
Bret: What was wrong with the bag?
Murray: The bag was useless, Brett. It had a great big hole in it. Look, we must have lost about twenty dollars out of that bag. It’s the box now.

Jemaine: I can’t believe you got that job and I didn’t.
Bret: Yeah, well you need to work on your people skills.
Jemaine: Shut up Brett.

Jemaine: Hey, Bret, I’m thinking of getting the band back together.
Bret: Oh, really?
Jemaine: Yeah.
Bret: I thought you were doing pretty well with the tape.
Jemaine: The tape’s no replacement for you, man.
Bret: Really?
Jemaine: No, it broke.

1.01 Sally

Summary and spoilers

Bret and Jemaine are struggling New Zealand musicians who have some to New York City to make it big. They are somewhat hampered by their talent-limited agent, Murray, and the fact that their fan base consists of one obsessed groupie girl named Mel. But one thing they do have is the talent for weaving songs into their everyday life – and for making a passable music video while dressed in cardboard robot suits.

There is tension between Bret and Jemaine, sparked when Jemaine begins dating Sally, Bret’s ex-girlfriend. The situation eventually resolves itself, but not without song-inspiring heartbreak for Jemaine and Bret.

Comments

Bret McKenzie and Jemaine Clement, stars of The Flight of the Conchords, are a New Zealand comedy duo of the same name. They created this series with James Bobin; Bobin is the show’s main writer and director.

This is such a wonderfully original and creative show, and the humor is so very dry – arid would describe it better. The show reminded me at varying moments of Monty Python, This Is Spinal Tap, Seinfeld, and Arrested Development. McKenzie and Clement are talented actors who can deliver comedy lines with subtle intonation. The cast is populated almost entirely with fellow comedians (Rhys Darby as manager Murray, Arj Barker as friend Dave, and Kristen Schaal as Conchord groupie Mel).  But it’s not all laughs; what makes it work is an underlying feeling of sincerity.

Memorable Moments

• Sally breaking up with Jemaine despite the ‘No Dumping’ sign in the background
• Bret debuting his hair helmet

Flight of the Conchords Quotes

Jemaine: Here, though, I - I don’t seem to get with any women; I just talk about getting with women.
Bret: Yeah, but the ones you talk about are hot. They’re a lot hotter than the ones you got with in New Zealand.
Jemaine: That’s true. I do talk about getting with some pretty hot women.
Bret: You don’t just talk about it, man. You talk about it a lot.

"What I was trying to say before is that, after six or seven weeks, girls find me boring, but I’m not sure what happens, ‘cause that’s about how long it takes to get to know someone."
- Bret

"New Zealand: Don’t expect too much; you will love it."
- tourism poster in Murray’s office

Murray: Item 1: fan base. Ways to increase the American fan base.
Jemaine: What fan base?
Murray: The fan base of the band.
Bret: You mean Mel?
Murray: Hmm.
Jemaine: That’s not a fan base, that’s just a woman.
Murray: Yeah, but I’m, I’m calling it fan base, it’s just easier when I call, ‘cause it’s, you know, you say, ‘ah, the fan’ll be there’, just, you know, they can tell there’s only one person. I’m trying to make it look bigger. It’s a base; put ‘base’ on the end of it. Okay?
Bret: Sounds good.
Jemaine: Sounds better.
Murray: I came up with that.

Murray: When you’re in a band, you don’t get with your band-mates girlfriend – past or present.
Jemaine: Yes, well, thanks for that.
Murray: You get a love triangle, you know? Fleetwood Mac situation. Although there were four of them, so more of a love square, but you know, no one gets on.
Jemaine: Okay, I see.
Murray: Mind you, they did make some of their best music back then.
Bret: Rumors?
Murray: No. No, it’s all true.

Jemaine: There is only one kind of dance: the robot.
Bret: And the robo-boogie.
Jemaine: Oh yes…two kinds of dances.

Jemaine: It’s just that I think she might be the one.
Bret: Sally?
Jemaine: Yeah.
Bret: What makes you think that?
Jemaine: You just know. When it happens to you, you’ll know.
Bret: You said Michelle was the one.
Jemaine: Yeah, she’s the one.
Bret: You said Claire was the one.
Jemaine: Yeah, she’s another one.
Bret: So you get more than one one.
Jemaine: Some people are lucky. I’ve had a few…ones.
Bret: So how many ones can you have?
Jemaine: Five.
Bret: How many have you had?
Jemaine: Three. How many have you had?
Bret: Just one.

Jemaine: Bret…do you think it would be okay if Sally and I had the apartment to ourselves tonight?
Bret: What for?
Jemaine: Some time alone.
Bret: Umm, I was gonna be working on my secret project.
Jemaine: Your helmet that looks like your hair?
Bret: Yes.
Jemaine: How’s that going?
Jemaine: It’s going pretty good. I still…need to get more body in the hair. Pretty much looks like a helmet.
Jemaine: Right. Well could you do that…tomorrow night?
Bret: Well, it’s helmet hair night, man – not really. I mean, I’ve been thinking about it for ages. It’s on the board. [gestures to blackboard with tangle of hair under ‘Monday’] You know about it. You said you were going to help, actually, ‘cause I can’t really see what I’m doing when I’ve got it on.

"I was thinking maybe we could go somewhere special this weekend. What was that place you went to with Bret that sounded romantic and…and cheap?"
- Jemaine to Sally